When Anthony Was

Self-Expression, Existence and Life as Medium

"I come to the page fresh each day with what I have and must say.  I say what I mean to say, what I think, what I feel and what I am now."
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

BY ANTHONY ROSS

I scribbled these words on one of my favorite supplies this morning.  As I wrote it, my pen jumped back from the paper and stopped.  It was in this hesitation that I also began to form other ways of saying this sentence.  My mind wandered.  The doubt was there for a moment, as if I didn't know what I meant to say.  What I was writing at that moment was, "I say what I mean to say," and so I continued, knowing that I have to walk the talk, or there would be no reason to write.  I knew that the first way that that line came to me was the way I meant to say it, so I wrote it that way.

For me, this can easily translate into seeing what is, and not a concept of it.  As you may hear my words and translate them according to what you think I'm saying.  This is in fact necessary for you to understand them.  Intelligence loves analogy.  However, it is often over looked that you are not looking at what I'm saying, but how I'm saying it, by means contrived.  Whatever it is that you think about the writer, yourself, the situation in which it's found in, and many other ideas, alters the path of your viewing.  It can be the most ordinary, simple thing, and suddenly it's a concept, from which to work back from, without the basis of reality.

This is the difficulty with 'self-expression' as I will call it here.  With my aim to translate any accountable experience or understanding into words or any medium or language, I am coming to it with conclusions.  Thus, my learning of the thing itself is being halted by my own consequential thoughts.  It is in this mode that people will go into a certain medium and learn it well so that they can speak unclouded by a lack of understanding of the medium in which they're expressing.  Though, when the medium that we are discussing is not a medium, but one medium containing all mediums, how do you discuss it, for one.  And for two, how do you train to be more intuitive with it?

That medium I refer to is life.  Existence itself.  If I were to come fresh to existence itself each day, what would I say?  What would my clarity amount to in terms of explanation that I will fit into a page or anything at all that someone could relate to?  That question already has a conclusion based idea on it, because we've brought in the aspect of time, relative to what I'm referring to in that statement. What 'production' or 'display' of this process could you deliver in a time-free-ness?  There would be no concluding of event preceding event or object standing above or elsewhere among other objects, identifying it as one idea over or against another.

The whole mess of it would be visible always.  It IS visible always.  To even discuss LIFE as a thing is getting behind on the point, yet, that is the only way to discuss it as the thing we're discussing.  We can discuss it with the acknowledgement that we are part of it, but that also puts a concept over us and it, even if those concepts are put together.  So, without the basis of reality, which is all things not contrived, there is no understanding.

As it is, to say that I come to a page free to feel and express what I am now, is a bit of a misconception.  I'm coming to the page in the act of writing.  And even then, what does that imply?  It implies that the page is there, and the writing is the act of perception or expression that is lived through in that moment.  The living of a person implies all things.  There is not a moment where we do not exist.  Therefore, not a moment where we are not expressing ourselves.  All things are expressive and expressing.  Yet, why do we do things, such as write?  That question is mu.  It is the wrong question, as the whole of it implies that the 'doing of whatever it is' is different from us that does it.  We 'mark' it in existence in conceptual ideas, but in reality, there is no change, because all is changing.

As I come to this blog, I wonder these things.  Does my sharing match my understanding? Will I conceptualize my thoughts into bubbles by the containment of the mess of life on a webpage for others to internalize?  Would I be stumbling into this with a patient delivery, or climbing a rock wall just to see a longer destiny which I have not reached?  I am on the path of nobility, and the path of nobody and nothing.  As my heart feels that I am everyone and everything, my intellect tells me that I am nobody and nothing.  Such contradictions reach their crescendos in me on a daily basis, it seems. These changes will either be investigated or ignored, but as you can see, I am already investigating. There's no purpose to ignorance anymore.  It doesn't match my understanding.  It doesn't share my existence.