Jim's Andy, Doubt and Direct Experience

I doubt a lot. I doubt myself, my work, my path, my environment, my ideas, my contradictory thoughts, actions and just a whole bunch of stuff. I doubt people. All that I doubt in myself, I project doubt onto them about these things too. I doubt my projections. I doubt life itself, and I had for a moment a thought during meditation that maybe this doubt isn't so bad 'after all.' I doubt this too, a little.

I've found that certain things become more credible for me as tools to navigate life with as I use them and understand what their place is for me within the universal impersonal changes in life. Some of the things for me right now are practices. One is art (drawing and painting), one is dance (Mandala Movement), one is Qi-Gong and one is Vipassana Meditation as taught by S. N. Goenka. Another one is writing this weekly blog post and making a monthly Youtube video. And of course the last one, but not the least, is working on my story, (secret title.)

Richard Feymann had commented once that doubt is a key component of his personality and who he is. Science requires doubt, so that we can test our theories, know whether we're right or wrong and then start again. Without doubt, we could stop any scientific exploration and live as we are. That is the feeling I had during meditation, that doubt is the other side of the coin of exploration and creative invention. Doubt is the yin to consistent curiosity and exploration as yang. Of course, I doubt this when I state it as an intellectual point. I don't doubt it in the experience I have of it. The 'intuition' of it, one might say, but I'd actually rather not say anything like that either.

What my practices do for 'me' is bring me into the direct experience of something that has no doubt whatsoever. In hindsight, in my intellectual activity, I may look at it and doubt it. I may not understand it fully in words and theories. These full living experiences are not always result oriented and cannot 'always' have the 1+1=2 literacy. In a day to day existence, I can't say what does what in terms of cause and effect. I can have guesses, but it won't be one hundred percent accurate. When I'm practicing Vipassana meditation, I can experience this shifting take place without a measurement. It is undeniable, direct, choice-less awareness of reality. It's hard to put words here, because I feel when I say 'reality,' someone can say that that is a subjective 'idea.' It is NOT when you are experiencing it directly, which may be a bit paradoxical, or simply unable to be proven right or wrong, true or false.

It is unable to be truly calculated and one might call that insanity, but too much calculation is actual insanity. This analysis mindset breaks spontaneity, poetry, intuition, faith and experience. Attention is caring and the action required to live objectively. It is attention that we can rely on first, because otherwise any new discoveries will be based on old thought. Doubt can be a deep, fulfilling component to realizations and their explanations. Doubt gives us the courage to go into uncharted territory and come back with something to share, when we understand that doubt is our tool for growth. Too much doubt, on one hand, can be just like too much calculation. We think we know and therefore we get the results we've 'set in stone.' For example, my recent arm injury has become very clearly a direct representation of my mindset for approaching my artwork. A mindset that is detrimental and short-sighted. See the picture below. These examples may shine all around us when we know how to see them. We are also free to doubt them, but sometimes they deserve the credit for being so blatantly obvious, in hindsight.

~This says, "I have to get better" (at art - mental) on one side, changing into "I have to get better" (with my arm injury - physical). A direct translation, just a different context showed up because I needed to learn the lesson all the same and change my thoughts about myself. The thing didn't matter, just the application of it and thankfully I had the context change enough to show me what I wasn't noticing. 'Enjoying my pain,' because it helped me see.~

I was thinking about food and how someone might be a good chef. Their food is good, so we want them to cook and we want to eat their food. This is how we think, yet at another level, gratitude can change the quality of the experience of any food so drastically that we don't need to get someone good to cook, in a way. As I write this, I'm bouncing around my memories of Jim and Andy, a movie with Jim Carrey going into how he acted as Andy Kaufman in 'Man on the Moon.' He experienced something surreal with this performance and permeated it into the cast and the process of making the film. He doesn't fully understand it in all its levels, but it came together none the less and the movie was well made within that chaotic, emotional state of transformation and questioning. All context can be tools for this transforming and our transforming can give all context validity. Seeing representations of things can help us to put our observations in perspective, and help us observe more.

Other examples coming to mind are when the first picture of Earth was taken from the space station. The observation of the wholeness of Earth and how that's our home changed the perspectives of many people. The picture represented that and helped us see it. The other day I had not done something that I felt would have been fun. I reacted, thought too much about it and fell into a fearful stasis. Right after, my jacket strings got tangled in a mess and were tangled around my neck and head as I put the jacket on. I was like, "What's going on?!" The strings were choking me, as I had choked. I had to take my jacket off and work to untie the knot. Being a bit frustrated as I untied it, I stopped. I took a breath and thought, "this is a representation of the fear I just experienced. When I untie this knot, I'm untying that fearful patterning I just experienced." After that thought, the untying was easy, as if I was just aligning with what the truth of the situation was. The energy of that activity was no longer about finishing it, but about knowing what it represented. Here's some tangled headphones, which I can untie using that same mentality of processing, contrary to frustration.

When thinking about the value of meditation and the free mind that acts without pretense and with a freshness of creative insight sometimes beyond logical, comprehensive calculation, I found that it is in certain practices that I experience this knowing. With Qi-Gong, Vipassana, Mandala Movement, I am more 'with' the experiencing of it than anything else. "How can I even be anywhere else?" One imagines. It is with thought that I can identify with things that are projections and therefore feel elsewhere. I am not aligned with what I'm doing at the intimate feeling level and the total understanding of it through a direct, objective, universal awareness. I know the difference when I'm with that or living in ideas and projections. When I'm not IN it, or WITH it, then I am in a division between an idea or image of myself, other labelled things, and the perception of what is here and now. Basically, process V.S. result, but being totally with something can still lead to tremendous results, such as in Andy Kaufman's (or Jim Carrey's?) 'Man on the Moon,' and also in life itself. This doesn't just happen in the movies folks.

We come to think that we are finished human beings, that we won't change any more. There's a study that talks about how people think they would still like to see their current favorite band ten years from now, and pay more money to see them.  Yet, most of them wouldn't care to see the band that was their favorite ten years ago, today. This is our choosing to find that perfect chef, because he's what we think we want. When I'm truly present, I don't need anything. It's just like Jim Carrey says at the end of Jim and Andy, "I have no ambition." I am living life, when I'm living it, so what else could I possibly ask for? MORE than everything that my experience is? How can that be reached? This is the kind of 'new' common sense that I integrate into my psyche with every moment that I'm in creative process mode and not in quick, efficient result mode. I am understanding the balance and the connection of these two modes (as I doubt if they are separate) more and more.

What I get from my weekly, daily, monthly practices is a sense that what I'm doing all the time, no matter what the thing is, is more like a practice of moving energy, such as Qi-Gong, or watching my energy move, such as Vipassana. In typing this, I can write it as if I'm doing a Mandala Movement 'dance' and move in a natural, flowing way. I can feel as though there is a lightness in my work because I'm just playing with waves, trees and movements in the body. I can experience an effortless witnessing of these things that require a focus to come into fruition and yet not lose a clarity of boundless attention that it is aware of all passing, changing movements in freedom. Of course, I doubt my clearly stated words when I know in my experience I bounce around in my thoughts like a lunatic sometimes, but so did Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman. I may sometimes be doubting or losing the battle against myself, or battling myself (and therefore losing), or just simply not too sure about what it is I should do, until I sit and get so engaged with reality that I don't miss a thing. Therefore, I continue to rest, return and continue, on all levels of my experience with what is.

Thanks for reading,
If you like this, please share and continue coming back every Sunday for a new post.

750 words a day - free flow writing

At the start of this month I began a free trial on 750words.com. The website is set up for a writing exercise that was inspired by the 'Morning Pages' from Julia Cameron's book, "The Artist's Way." It also blends in nicely with a simple exercise I learned from Natalie Goldberg's book, "Writing Down the Bones." The basic premise is to write in a quick pace for a certain number of minutes or words and stop when you are complete. As a writer, I tend to nit-pick words and their placement in a sentence. This exercise of writing without too much indulgence in sentence structure, proper punctuation or even clear ideas gives valuable insight into discovering new ways of writing, explaining and getting to the root of what it is you are saying.

(Piles of my notebooks and writings.)

This example given in 'Writing Down the Bones' describes how our raw language can be edited to lose all the magic it once held in its spontaneous, flowing nature as it came fresh to the page. The line she wrote was, "I cut the daisy from my throat." The inner censor that avoids the risk of, "Someone will think you're crazy," would instead say, "My throat was a little soar, so I didn't say anything." Proper and boring.' We like to swallow our hearts with our minds and hold back any sensitive, authentic wisdom that urges forth through us in sobs, aches, 'imperfections' and emotion. I say 'we like,' because we do it seemingly many times before learning not to. We polish our shoes, cars and houses, tighten our ties, appointments and attitudes and run down the rabbit circle we call progress. Ready for battle against all that naturally springs forth from the goodness that children, bunnies and flowers embody, we destroy sensitivity in ourselves and lose the understanding and faith in why it's so valuable and calls true to our essence.

As I wrote 750 words mostly every day of the month, my free flowing mind became less tight and I could write without concern. As I've stopped doing this practice as consistently, I've noticed the difference in how it is to write this blog post. The words are a little more like heavy rocks in the river of my mind, being weighed down for a while before drifting on with the flow again. The timed writing practice is the same, where instead of setting a limit on how many words you write, the limit is set with a number of minutes to write for. Essentially it is the same exercise. Get out of your own way and let the raw information and processing of all that you can write about show up on the page to re-shape the way you approach writing anything, be it a blog post, novel, article, essay or comic strip. The exercise is a freeing way to open unexpected doors, explore unexplored thought patterns and cultivate a discipline dedicated to the process. In some ways, writing in this fashion is like therapy. I imagine it would be hard to write every day and not naturally come to a reasoning of, "I'd like to be less of a jerk." Timed stream of consciousness writing is an open door to face ourselves without 'ourselves' getting in the way before the meeting, fresh and without make up.

Joy to you all,
Anthony

Loving Letters of the Dragon

Reading the collections of essays and letters by Bruce Lee is fascinating and inspiring on many levels. The legend who lived only to thirty two was a contemplative, intelligent man. He starred in twenty Cantonese-language films before the age of eighteen, founded schools, taught and developed new techniques of martial arts and continued to write, philosophize and make films his whole life. Everyone knows that Bruce is someone who sought to express himself authentically through his art and life.

I am reading two books. One is Artist of Life: a collection of notes and essays by Bruce. The other is Letters of the Dragon, which is a collection of Bruce’s letters to friends and family, often sent from America or Hong Kong. To read the personal writings of someone who was adamant in expressing truth is a wonderful thing. Letters are already a medium of personal richness and for the author of them to be so full of life himself, they are truly a pleasure and insight into a caring, persistent and well-rounded person. As Bruce Lee might say, “Man! So cool.”

Yet with all his magnificence as an individual, Bruce was confined to the collective framework of human beings in his time. Thankfully, we have a collection of letters because of it, as supposed to a multitude of text messages. The care of writing a letter is something that strikes me as a more expansive way to communicate. Reading Bruce’s letters reminds me of how technology has changed our interactions to a global level. We can quickly call, email or send information across the world. We can physically travel to anywhere in a hurried pace and have the knowledge of where we’re going and what it’s going to be like before we even arrive, through our world-wide cloud of information. It is the inspiration for care that I feel through Bruce’s life as a human being who deals with common struggles of us all. Mundane elements such as financial concerns to deeper truths such as death, the art of expression and the cultivation of inner peace.

Bruce was an explorer with a respect to an inner calling that shaped his actions and perspective. It is inspiring to have those who have walked their own personal/impersonal path of authenticity and wisdom. It is with continued appreciation that I read books of the great minds that are now left like footprints in the snow. I will never know Bruce Lee the man, but as legend, expression and wisdom, his essence lives on as a guidance and inspiration. From his readings, I hope to gain a deeper appreciation for the simple gifts of each moment. To see with freshness as the situations reveal themselves. Like Lee’s own jeet kune do, there is no way to the Way.

Our paths will all intertwine, like Bruce’s to mine, yet each moment is unique for us alone. From pages of his words, we can carry the meaning of a live well lived into this unique moment, expressed as what is. The care of this sacred place in time and space will change us more than we can imagine. This can inspire others to have that same sense of freedom and feeling of the truth of being, in all our layers of exchange with this world. The words of Bruce Lee inspire me not to take any friend, foe, moment or sentence for granted. This holds true to the dearest part of my heart.

With love and care for the essence of Bruce Lee,
Yours truly,
Anthony

“I will give you my heart, please don’t give me your head only.” - Bruce Lee

#writing #reading #blogging #books
Brain Pickings and Wonder

"A blog, compared to a book, may be read consistently for a long time."
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

BY ANTHONY ROSS

I love books.  I have a collection of books I haven't read, and I'm sure that collection will grow as I read them, and other books that show up at random occasions.  Books are special things, and as much as they do fall under the analogy of 'things that spoil as quickly as a banana on the shelf,' they have great wonder and meaning.

A blog, compared to a book, may be read consistently for a long time.  Such as the 'blog' of Maria Popova, 'Brain Pickings.'  Brain Pickings is a wonderful resource of highlights and quick notes on books of all kinds, primarily what falls under the tab of Creativity, Design, Science, History, Psychology and Art.  I don't read it daily anymore, but often will go rummaging through pages and pages in a short binge session, due to her sophisticated linking and 'mind' mapping of the website's articles.

Books though, will never be conquered.  Even Maria Popova, who doesn't write books, reads them consistently.  They are mini sacred treasures, full of wealth of clarification that a blog post and most definitely a social media post cannot prescribe.  That's not to say that simplicity isn't a factor.  Some things can be stated with little words, others may take a thousand and it is still not enough.  Even the same thing may be fine in one thousand words for one person, and two to another.  The good thing is that we have these options there for us whenever we need them.  I salute readers and writers alike and look forward to more of it myself.

I like Brain Pickings for what it's theme is.  Articles about books and interviews, podcasts etc.  She doesn't write much outside of what the article itself is about, but connects links to other things like it, so that the endless reading can continue.  That's nice, but it's also nice to, as a writer, write whatever it is I feel like.  It may not be as consistent, but it develops things for me.  In Artist of Life by Bruce Lee, there is an essay that is one page long.  It was found between two pages, tucked into Alan Watts's book, 'This Is It.' Bruce Lee wrote it while reading, and then years later it was taken out, typed out and put in a book.  That's a treasure.  I bought the book, 'Artist of Life,' after reading about it on Brain Pickings.

#play#philosophy#writing
The child is free at play

"The other is the child, who plays free and in what seems like utter chaos, but with a closer look is a harmonious rapture of energy."
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

BY ANTHONY ROSS

I think there are many people who end up writing books from what they write on their blogs.  Whether fictional or non-fiction, the blog is a good place to digest ideas for oneself and to express things to a broad audience.  Anyone can have a taste if they care to read.

I've started writing again on a consistent basis.  Partly to digest what it is that I might write and partly to write what I'm digesting.  It is, unlike other social media, a medium where a greater expression can be given.  One that's not broken down into pictures and a few words.  In these last couple days of writing, I've noticed a theme.  The theme is play and the struggle I have with it.  This would be, perhaps, the book I would write.  As someone who struggles with play, I would learn about it and use the context of writing to explain to myself what it is I'm discovering and applying regarding this subject.

Play to me is a struggle.  Why?  I think it has to do with the components of knowledge and ignorance.  When I say ignorance in this context, I mean lack of knowledge.  In starting out life as a child, we know nothing.  We feel our way through life and we do what we must do, without understanding how others may perceive it.  We cry, eat, poop and sleep.  Crying is our language and the others are our necessities.  What happens later in life?  We start to have ideas about things and without connecting with the feeling of necessity or the language that we created without any secondary hand outs, we are forced into a world of symbols.

Terence Mckenna once spoke of how the magical bird that may appear outside a child's window becomes a mere 'bird' when the parent comes in and tells them what it is.  The bird becomes the word, in a non-musical, non-playful way. Though there is a magic to this symbolism, I might argue there is a greater magic to the unknown and to language that comes out of feeling and is not entirely guided by the intellect.  I don't know the way out of this, because we do need to communicate.  The key is to not be over run by verbal communication and to 'think' in different ways, through feeling, intuition and in less linear faculties of intelligence.

Play is not an A to B to C type of moving.  It develops well with a good foundation, but it is as unstable as the ocean.  Unstable to the mind and the intellect, that is.  The play itself builds an order within itself.  Play is a flower.  And the water, sun and nutrients the flower must have to grow are like the parent who feeds the child and is there for safety.  The child itself is unbridled in its movement, like the water that nourishes.  We don't know where the child ends up, we can only watch with a caring appreciation and keep it safe.  So as one who attempts to play, I see myself as two people.  One is an adult, watching with wisdom and nourishment.  The other is the child, who plays free and in what seems like utter chaos, but with a closer look is a harmonious rapture of energy.  It is the responsibility of oneself to be these two people, so that the freedom is there, so play is the flower it is and remains innocent like the sun.

What doesn't work is when the adult says to the child, "You must play."  As Alan Watts puts it, "this is a double bind."  As the adult, we can't force the child.  This is putting the adult's point of view on to the child's order, which is free of 'the old.'  Our knowledge is limited to what the child knows.  And the child doesn't understand the adult, who is usually rather confused with too many thoughts.  The two work separately, yet together.  This is the balance of living as an adult, or one who grows up to learn the symbols placed upon reality.  Keep the little bit of madness alive, however little it may seem.  That is the play.

Ceci n'est pas une oiseaux.