Jim's Andy, Doubt and Direct Experience

I doubt a lot. I doubt myself, my work, my path, my environment, my ideas, my contradictory thoughts, actions and just a whole bunch of stuff. I doubt people. All that I doubt in myself, I project doubt onto them about these things too. I doubt my projections. I doubt life itself, and I had for a moment a thought during meditation that maybe this doubt isn't so bad 'after all.' I doubt this too, a little.

I've found that certain things become more credible for me as tools to navigate life with as I use them and understand what their place is for me within the universal impersonal changes in life. Some of the things for me right now are practices. One is art (drawing and painting), one is dance (Mandala Movement), one is Qi-Gong and one is Vipassana Meditation as taught by S. N. Goenka. Another one is writing this weekly blog post and making a monthly Youtube video. And of course the last one, but not the least, is working on my story, (secret title.)

Richard Feymann had commented once that doubt is a key component of his personality and who he is. Science requires doubt, so that we can test our theories, know whether we're right or wrong and then start again. Without doubt, we could stop any scientific exploration and live as we are. That is the feeling I had during meditation, that doubt is the other side of the coin of exploration and creative invention. Doubt is the yin to consistent curiosity and exploration as yang. Of course, I doubt this when I state it as an intellectual point. I don't doubt it in the experience I have of it. The 'intuition' of it, one might say, but I'd actually rather not say anything like that either.

What my practices do for 'me' is bring me into the direct experience of something that has no doubt whatsoever. In hindsight, in my intellectual activity, I may look at it and doubt it. I may not understand it fully in words and theories. These full living experiences are not always result oriented and cannot 'always' have the 1+1=2 literacy. In a day to day existence, I can't say what does what in terms of cause and effect. I can have guesses, but it won't be one hundred percent accurate. When I'm practicing Vipassana meditation, I can experience this shifting take place without a measurement. It is undeniable, direct, choice-less awareness of reality. It's hard to put words here, because I feel when I say 'reality,' someone can say that that is a subjective 'idea.' It is NOT when you are experiencing it directly, which may be a bit paradoxical, or simply unable to be proven right or wrong, true or false.

It is unable to be truly calculated and one might call that insanity, but too much calculation is actual insanity. This analysis mindset breaks spontaneity, poetry, intuition, faith and experience. Attention is caring and the action required to live objectively. It is attention that we can rely on first, because otherwise any new discoveries will be based on old thought. Doubt can be a deep, fulfilling component to realizations and their explanations. Doubt gives us the courage to go into uncharted territory and come back with something to share, when we understand that doubt is our tool for growth. Too much doubt, on one hand, can be just like too much calculation. We think we know and therefore we get the results we've 'set in stone.' For example, my recent arm injury has become very clearly a direct representation of my mindset for approaching my artwork. A mindset that is detrimental and short-sighted. See the picture below. These examples may shine all around us when we know how to see them. We are also free to doubt them, but sometimes they deserve the credit for being so blatantly obvious, in hindsight.

~This says, "I have to get better" (at art - mental) on one side, changing into "I have to get better" (with my arm injury - physical). A direct translation, just a different context showed up because I needed to learn the lesson all the same and change my thoughts about myself. The thing didn't matter, just the application of it and thankfully I had the context change enough to show me what I wasn't noticing. 'Enjoying my pain,' because it helped me see.~

I was thinking about food and how someone might be a good chef. Their food is good, so we want them to cook and we want to eat their food. This is how we think, yet at another level, gratitude can change the quality of the experience of any food so drastically that we don't need to get someone good to cook, in a way. As I write this, I'm bouncing around my memories of Jim and Andy, a movie with Jim Carrey going into how he acted as Andy Kaufman in 'Man on the Moon.' He experienced something surreal with this performance and permeated it into the cast and the process of making the film. He doesn't fully understand it in all its levels, but it came together none the less and the movie was well made within that chaotic, emotional state of transformation and questioning. All context can be tools for this transforming and our transforming can give all context validity. Seeing representations of things can help us to put our observations in perspective, and help us observe more.

Other examples coming to mind are when the first picture of Earth was taken from the space station. The observation of the wholeness of Earth and how that's our home changed the perspectives of many people. The picture represented that and helped us see it. The other day I had not done something that I felt would have been fun. I reacted, thought too much about it and fell into a fearful stasis. Right after, my jacket strings got tangled in a mess and were tangled around my neck and head as I put the jacket on. I was like, "What's going on?!" The strings were choking me, as I had choked. I had to take my jacket off and work to untie the knot. Being a bit frustrated as I untied it, I stopped. I took a breath and thought, "this is a representation of the fear I just experienced. When I untie this knot, I'm untying that fearful patterning I just experienced." After that thought, the untying was easy, as if I was just aligning with what the truth of the situation was. The energy of that activity was no longer about finishing it, but about knowing what it represented. Here's some tangled headphones, which I can untie using that same mentality of processing, contrary to frustration.

When thinking about the value of meditation and the free mind that acts without pretense and with a freshness of creative insight sometimes beyond logical, comprehensive calculation, I found that it is in certain practices that I experience this knowing. With Qi-Gong, Vipassana, Mandala Movement, I am more 'with' the experiencing of it than anything else. "How can I even be anywhere else?" One imagines. It is with thought that I can identify with things that are projections and therefore feel elsewhere. I am not aligned with what I'm doing at the intimate feeling level and the total understanding of it through a direct, objective, universal awareness. I know the difference when I'm with that or living in ideas and projections. When I'm not IN it, or WITH it, then I am in a division between an idea or image of myself, other labelled things, and the perception of what is here and now. Basically, process V.S. result, but being totally with something can still lead to tremendous results, such as in Andy Kaufman's (or Jim Carrey's?) 'Man on the Moon,' and also in life itself. This doesn't just happen in the movies folks.

We come to think that we are finished human beings, that we won't change any more. There's a study that talks about how people think they would still like to see their current favorite band ten years from now, and pay more money to see them.  Yet, most of them wouldn't care to see the band that was their favorite ten years ago, today. This is our choosing to find that perfect chef, because he's what we think we want. When I'm truly present, I don't need anything. It's just like Jim Carrey says at the end of Jim and Andy, "I have no ambition." I am living life, when I'm living it, so what else could I possibly ask for? MORE than everything that my experience is? How can that be reached? This is the kind of 'new' common sense that I integrate into my psyche with every moment that I'm in creative process mode and not in quick, efficient result mode. I am understanding the balance and the connection of these two modes (as I doubt if they are separate) more and more.

What I get from my weekly, daily, monthly practices is a sense that what I'm doing all the time, no matter what the thing is, is more like a practice of moving energy, such as Qi-Gong, or watching my energy move, such as Vipassana. In typing this, I can write it as if I'm doing a Mandala Movement 'dance' and move in a natural, flowing way. I can feel as though there is a lightness in my work because I'm just playing with waves, trees and movements in the body. I can experience an effortless witnessing of these things that require a focus to come into fruition and yet not lose a clarity of boundless attention that it is aware of all passing, changing movements in freedom. Of course, I doubt my clearly stated words when I know in my experience I bounce around in my thoughts like a lunatic sometimes, but so did Jim Carrey as Andy Kaufman. I may sometimes be doubting or losing the battle against myself, or battling myself (and therefore losing), or just simply not too sure about what it is I should do, until I sit and get so engaged with reality that I don't miss a thing. Therefore, I continue to rest, return and continue, on all levels of my experience with what is.

Thanks for reading,
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Anicca... anicca... anicca...

Every once in a while we might come across some juicy bit of wisdom that we had known and lived, but forgotten, or seemed to have forgotten. I have a downloaded program from the old student Vipassana website on my computer that quotes a Vipassana teacher or a Dhamma scripture to inspire my daily practice. Every hour a quote comes up, along with the sound of a gong, if you set it to do so. I had the gong for a while, but it can be startling. Still, I get a quote every hour, and the one the other day struck me at the core.

"Anicca when properly developed will solve almost all your problems. It might not even be necessary for you to ask questions for answers. As the appreciation of anicca grows, so will the veil of ignorance fade away."

These words are by Sayagyi U Ba Khin, who shared the teaching of Vipassana with S. N. Goenka, who in turn taught it to me through video discourses at many a 10 day course. Anicca ("Ah-Nee-Cha") is a Pali word that is best defined as (the quality of) the arising and passing away. In English, our best translation is the word impermanence, though that carries a slightly different meaning.

In the courses’ instructions, Goenkaji will continuously say, “Anicca... anicca... anicca...” There is a book called The Meditator’s Handbook that has a part explaining the reason for this repetition. When something is repeated again and again in a school setting, it is likely going to be on the test or exam. Therefore, it should be remembered. Anicca is this cornerstone, key point that is on the final exam of Vipassana, right through to Nibbana. And I forgot the vitality of it til I was reminded by this digitized quote from U Ba Khin.

(Sayagyi U Ba Khin)

Why is it so vitally important? It is the basic, rooted observation of anicca within the framework of your own body that liberates you from your bondage of suffering. As one meditates, this is not so much ‘remembered’ as it is ‘felt or experienced.’ It’s not intellectual, though it is useful to understand intellectually what it is you’re observing, or beginning to understand at a direct, non-intellectual level. To return to the quote which says, “almost all of your problems will be solved with this developed,” is not an overstatement. To truly realize, with an understanding in spoken language, but also as a developed, inner knowing-ness that is as true as knowing that you have hair, or hands, or anything like this that is indescribably taken as a ‘usual thing,’ is to have an imperturbability to all of that which is phenomenal.

What does that mean? It means all things that come and go are no longer problems as they were before. To take some of the great, exaggerated examples from Neil Gaimen’s ‘Make Good Art Speech,’ I can say that if your “husband runs off with a politician, your leg gets crushed and then
eaten by a mutated boa constrictor, IRS is on your trail, or your cat exploded,” you will remain more
balanced with a innate understanding that both the bad things and the good things are ever-arising and passing away. As Neil says in the speech, when these things happen, you can return to the salvation of “Making Good Art.” I don’t disagree with that advice, knowing that it can help, but that doesn’t help you actually see these things as lesser problems, but rather is a coping mechanism once the problem has problemed you. Obviously these are examples of negative things, but even the positive or wanted things do not last forever. It is easier to intellectually understand that a painful, unwanted circumstance will pass away. It is harder to full-heartedly be aware of the fact that the most pleasurable circumstances will do the same. When we cling to these, we are creating problems with as much ignorance as we would if we were to worry about the bad thing that has or could happen.

(Actual cover on the left. Alternate 'anicca' version on the right.)

In difficult, pleasurable or also neutral moments, I’ve found that the clarity of knowing and feeling within myself that this is passing has sustained more vitality , joy and true happiness than any other bit of knowledge in this world. Words themselves don’t cut it. We need wisdom of the reality of it within ourselves. Otherwise we can forget and doubt this truth. Even with a daily practice of directly observing and knowing this, we can forget about anicca. In some way, the feeling we cultivate remains with us in moments throughout each day and night. The awareness develops to be used at all times, regardless of how terrible or elating a situation can be. Then, we can fully enjoy or fully experience sadness, and never cling to it, never make a story out of it that creates a boundary to our successful, aware living.

This quote hit home for me so much because of my development in experiencing this impermanence directly. It’s not just words to me, but truth of being. This truth translates into seeing all things, whether it’s writing, eating, working, drawing, playing, moving, sleeping, living - as change. I sometimes get caught up in mental stories. I create them for myself and they cause me misery. Yet it isn’t long before I bring my head above the water and cease the drowning of my ignorance. Again, I arrive at a peaceful place, treading the water of the phenomenal with a smile in my Self. There is a saying in the Vipassana courses that illuminates this truth. Goenkaji laughs when he says, “You’re on the path of Dhamma. Nothing can go wrong.” That is not an overstatement. Take one step in the right direction and keep walking. Walk on the path consistently and you’ll never want to stop. You’ll only stop out of your own ignorance, and you’ll be the first to notice.

Anicca... anicca... anicca...

- Anthony

An Honorary of Vipassana Meditation

Why I meditate is obvious to me. It declares in clairevoyance that traces of the mind, back to the past or into the imagined are like clouds in a sky. We could never keep up. It’s either beauty like a rainbow, or black clouds like the storm before it.

These clouds are ever flowing, changing movements inside and outside our human experience. We cannot control them or cling to them. The more we try, the less we live free. The analyzing won’t do us any good either, for how many more clouds are there and for how long can one be analyzed? Let’s be quiet, ripple-less, and see what reflections show up in the water. There it is, the moon, a symbol of floating, effortless harmony.

Clouds are the continuous thoughts. In Vipassana, the aim is not to quiet thought, it is to relinquish suffering, or to see suffering as it is and through direct understanding we can cultivate eloquence, serenity and adequate action in ourselves and in the world we gracefully and reliably inhabit. With a discipline of two daily sittings, I devote discerned time to be aware of the fact that my mind and body are impermanent. This is through observation of the physical sensations that I experience directly. Without reading, observing nature outside myself, or hearing from another, I can still feel the change as it happens without it becoming second hand knowledge. The directness of truth cannot be dissected in a manuscript. Though words at their best inspire intuition and wisdom beyond their descriptions, there is always time to analyze, judge, divide and doubt. The freedom of true listening is doubtless, because no boundaries are known in a complete act of attention. Instead, the sky is empty and the whole of mankind wanders in and out of view. To observe objectively the sensations, we find ourselves touching at the very root of the communion of mind and body, self and other, and the many measurements that we distinct.

Without the calculated mind that thinks in steps, procedure, and movements dictated by the past knowledge it records, we can begin living each moment with perspective and service. There is no turmoil in impermanence. There is only change. When the plan is the action itself, there is never time to think we have made a mistake in how we proceeded. It is respect for ourselves to water the garden of free, unperturbed innocence. Change takes place and we either have the perspective of equanimity or reactivity. The change itself is neutral, like the weather. It is our projections that can cause problems to the contrast of our expectations, false to the unknown, paradoxical nature of existence and the universal laws of nature which can be felt and experienced directly within oneself. The breath is always there, at the beginning of someone living their life instead of solely thinking it. There is no division here. We can renew life and incarnate now, fresh and lively, with no despair. All it takes is ourselves. The garden of goodness within grows with the light we give unto it. Each is responsible for this necessary cultivation of peace in the frontier of a new life, beginning each moment. Meditation brings this absolute truth and these qualities of reverence into action, which I am choicelessly practicing each day due to the credence shared with me by the teachers and community of this practice, a fellowship practicing to live in responsible harmony with every living thing.

To write in plain words is difficult when speaking of the untouchable, the real, the truth of direct, objective perspective of my own life and the lives of all living things connected to this that I am. It is deeply transparent in all I do. The practice has integrated into my life over the last five years with tremendous force, energy and immunity. It is a well I fill each morning and night that spills out jewels as bright as the full moon and as ineffable as the sky. I am like a budding flower and to those who listen, you are the bees who spread my wonderful seeds of Dhamma. It is our garden. Together we are the world that makes the difference. Together we walk anew with every breath, as every sensation compels us to feel the subtleties of how life is so perfect, no matter what we think. Don’t waste your time, sweet bees. Touch the realness that you are, the perfection that you are. Now, or in a hundred years, our abilities of perception will be just as readily available to discover a truth unbound, unhurried, unplanned and unified. Don’t search for galaxies outside. Look within every day and live as you are. It’s so simple, but we tend to complicate things. Don’t give up. Don’t be idle. Rest and be in (y)our freedom.

(All photos by When Anthony Was)

All the best,

Anthony R.